[08 Dec 2005|02:41pm] As the end of the year draws near, I can't help but think about how this year has been one of death for me, and as I sit here listening to Daphne Rubin-Vega sing, "the pain will ease if I can learn there is no future, there is no past" I am faced with a million decisions that may or may not affect my future and I'm stuck here staring down my past. And how much of my obsession with what is over and what is to come, is caused by the fact that the present is only occupied with my sitting here looking at a computer and doing nothing? How can I help remembering losing everyone I've loved and alienating everyone who loved me? And how can I not worry that I'll only do it again? Why is the death of the first person who ever loved you so destructive? Why do I fear the fate of anyone who may love me in the future? Why does this take precedence over the few people who may love me now? Why can't I think of any? post comment

Yet again... [18 Jun 2005|07:01pm] 1. First Name: Samantha 2. Were you named after anyone? My father wanted to name me Heather after Heather Locklear. My mom said there was no way her daughter would be named after a woman her husband wanted to bounce on his "knee", and that Heather was a wussy name. She wanted to name me Joe, after my uncle (the last infant named after him died. He was devastated.). My father said there was no way I would be named after a dude, but they could name me Samantha Joe. So I'm named after my uncle and Heather Locklear's character on Dynasty. My sneaky father... 3. Do you wish on stars? I have before, but I don't do it regularly. I always find looking up at the sky to make me immensely happy and couldn't really ask for more. Is that cheesy? 4. When did you last cry? I really don't remember. I cry over nothing and then laugh about my car breaking down. I'd say it was probably about something between Tim and Dawn in The Office. They still choke me up at the end of the second series. It's making my eyes water just typing about it, see? And earlier today I was all ecstatic about my serpentine belt breaking. I'm a freak 5. Do you like your handwriting? It changes so much from day to day. I swore to myself I'd never write in cursive again after I got into high school and now I can't hardly print at all, even when I try. I'm too lazy. Picking up and putting down the pen that many times is waaay too much work. For the most part, yes, I like it. It's unique. I always go back and think, "did I write this?" 6. What is your favorite lunch meat? This is a very trivial question and it's geared toward kids, I think. Who calls it lunch meat after junior high? My favorite sandwich meats are turkey and salami. My favorite meat to have at lunch, or any other time, is fish. Chicken is really good in salads, burgers should be made from beef only...all of these are lunch meets. Fuck this question. 7. What is your birth date? May 3, 1984. Not nearly as exciting as lunch mea, but far more practical. I am a late spring chicken. Well, Rat, technically. A Bull, yes. But remember that story about the bull who likedto lounge and sniff flowers all day? That's more my style. And I'd never eat a baby. 8. What is your most embarrassing CD? It's kind of embarrassing to have CDs that feature meas a vocalist, but I'd probably have to pin this on SWV (Sisters With Voices), Duran Duran's (Greatest Hits), The BeeGees (#1s) and The A*Teens (Abba Generation). Geek out. 9. If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you? Probably, yes. I like good music. I find myself funny and interesting. Let me tell you something about me and myself...we watch movies together, we dress similarly, we like the same foods and the same hang out spots. We have all the same friends. I'm very happy with myself and if I had to be anyone else but me, I'd want to be in a very similar situation to my own. Does that make sense. Plus, I know I could pick up all the guys Sam's constantly turning away. Ask her about White Knight... Did I notice there wasn't a question 10? Yes, I did. 11. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell? No. I would die without the trust of the people who trust me enough to tell me things they don't tell anyone else. Their faith in me sustains me, to an extent. I hope they feel that way about keeping my secrets. Though I don't have many. 12. Do looks matter? Unfortunately, yes. Even if they didn't matter to me (which they do), I'd know they mattered by how little play I've gotten. By how many stupid assholes have said to me while we're hanging out, "Where can I find a girl like you?" I know they mean, "Where can I find a pretty girl like you?" Outside of that, I'm sure that guy with the ponytail was a perfectly fine guy, but I still had to spurn him, the ugly fucker. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather date Stephen Merchant than Keanu Reeves. But if Mr Merchant had a ponytail and missing teeth and a club foot and some unknown substance clinging to the front of his West Coast Choppers T-Shirt, I's pick Keanu, the dumb, pretty asshat. 13. How do you release anger? I talk to myself. Make up a scenario that is either a fantasy chat with someone or I picture an altercation with the person who has angered me. Then I talk through it. Out loud. If you ever see me walking down the street talking to myself, I'm not crazy. I know I'm alone, I'm not crazy. I'm just bored. 4. Where is your second home? What is with these quizzes and second homes? I don't have my own 1st home! When I say I'm going home, I guess my luttle duplex is my first home. My home away from home is Tom and Stina's house. "HOME" on my cell phone is my mother's house. I don't know wat else to say. 15. Do you trust others easily? Yes. I can deal with all kind of transgression excpet for thoughtlessness and malice anyone who intentionally sets out to hurt me, or just doesn't think or acknowledge that their actions will inevitably hurt me is hard to trust. Everyone else is completely trustworthy. If someone thinks about what you wants, they will never really let you down. 16. What was your favorite toy as a child? Books. (I'm a nerd) 17. What class in high school do you think was the most useless? Even though I didn't take it, I don't understand why they want to teach kids Calculus in high school or why it's really the only upper level math class. I needed 3 years of math to graduate and I wasn't going to take "Math for Morons" (I was in AP Chem and AP English, regular math was too dumb for me), so Pre-Calc was the only class I could take my junior year and I have never used a lick of it since. I'm an actress, for fuck's sake! There should have been an AP Geometry class or something. There's so much more useful maths. Grr. It still gets me heated. 18. Do you have a journal? I journal online more regularly than anywhere else. I used to try to write in a journal, but it was too much work. Here I can just type, click and !POOF!, it's published for the world to see. There's more incentive to write that way. And going back to read what you've read is easy, too. Aside from that, no I don't use my journal very often. 19. Do you use sarcasm a lot? Never. 20. Your nicknames? Sam, SamSam, Sam Bird, Sammie Joe, Bails, SamBailey 21. Would you bungee jump? Yes. 22. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? I usually wear china flats, so they don't tie, so no. 23. Do you think that you are strong? In many ways, yes, but also not. My calves are killing me right now from walking 12 miles in the past couple days. I'm out of shape. But I have a lot of resiliency, I am strong-willed, I can replace the alternator and serpentine belt on my car. I'll do that tomorrow. 24. What's your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate. 25. Shoe Size? Soemwhere between 9.5 and 11. Don't make fun of me. I'm not talking about KLaLa, she'd never make fun of me for having big feet, but ayone else: I could kick your ass. And it'd leave a big bruise. 26. What is your favorite lipstick red/pink? It really depends, doesn't it. Every day wear choice is pink, but red is good for special occasions. Like Fridays. Or Tuesdays. (Those aren't special occasions, I just like red lipstick every now and again) 27. What is your least favorite thing about yourself? My weight. Hands down. 28. What color pants and shoes are you wearing? No pants, black velvet china flats. 29. What are you listening to right now? Steve taking a phone call about man panties. I'm wearing a long black silk skirt, sickos. 30. Last thing you ate? A grilled cheese sandwich and tater tots with fry sauce and a medium sprite. yum. 31. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? I don't know. I'd like to be cerulean. 32. What is the weather like right now? The skies cleared, but it's kinda cool and breezy. Very sunny. My calves hurt. 33. Last person you talked to on the phone? My mom. She wanted to know what size my engine was so she could buy me anew serpentine belt. It's a 3.8. 34. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Generally carriage. How well do you carry yourself and move? How big is your smile compared to your mouth at rest? How animated are you? Do you raise your eyebrows and gesture with your head and face and hands? Do you lean in to talk to me? The personality traits you can see. There are very few. 35. Do you like the person who sent this to you? No one sent it to me, I stole it from someone I don't know very well. But yeah, she's alright. I'd hang out with her. 36. Favorite Drink? Water or milk. The best water is a brand called SmartWater. It's got extra electrolytes in it, so it leaves your mouth wet. But it doesn't taste funky. The best milk is a tall glass of ice cold skim milk. There's no fat in it, so it's like drinking freeze. I love it. Alcoholic beverage: Double Entendre. Yumm. 37. Favorite Sport? I love to watch soccer and football. I love to play softball and handball. 38. Hair Color? Medium brown with copper highlights right now. I think I'm going back to dark though. It makes me feel like Snow White. 39. Eye Color? Blue. 40. Do you wear contacts? I do. I wear them all the time, even to bed most nights. When my left eye starts to bug out I have to wear glasses for a few days, but it's easier, with the headphones at my work, when I wear contacts. Plus they make my eyes look big and blue. Blink. Blink. 41. Favorite Food? I don't have one. Why is this so goddamn interesting to everyone? 42. Last Movie You Watched? D.E.B.S. (Deadly Espionage Boobie Sluts, Alex and I think) Jordana Brewster and 4 teenage spy college students. It's Charlies Angels in plaid miniskirts. I think it's great and you should all see it. Keep a sense of humor though. It's totally tongue in cheek. 43. Scary Movies or Happy Endings? I'm more into realistic endings and ensemble cast movies where things happen how they would have happened in life. But sometimes there are happy endings in real life. But my love for realism pretty much makes liking scary movies impossible. That and I'm a pussy. 44. Summer or winter? I like both, thanks. 45. Hugs or Kisses? Yes, please. 46. What Is Your Favorite Dessert? I loved this great mousse cake at Costco. Oh, God. It makes me sick just thinking about how good that was. I want some. Uggh. 47. Living Arrangement? I live with my amazing roommate in a gorgeous duplex in a very old, gorgeous neighborhood in East Boise. I have three trees and three rose bushes in my fenced yard. I have a cat who acts like Bean, but we call him Bond, just to smooth his ego. 48. What Books Are You Reading? I am in the middle of a lot of books right now. The Crimson Petal and the White, Vanity Fair, Jane Eyre, Midnight's Children, Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister...I'm sure there are more. I'm also in the middle of the BBC movie version of The Silver Chair... 49. What's On Your Mouse Pad? I'm at work. It's just solid fuschia. 50. What did you watch on TV last night? When I walk home I get there just in time for Conan's monologue. Then I go to bed. Except ast night I caught a little of Blind Date because I was soaking my poor feet. 51. Favorite Smells? Boy, skin, dark chocolate, sweetened condensed milk, coffee, any flowery tea, cloves. 52. Stones or Beatles? Beatles. They put out a higher percentage of great songs, in my opinion. 53. Do you believe in Evolution or Creation? I think it was some wicked fusion of both. I don't like the idea of God the Creator working all week to invent everything. I don't think it's his style. I more dig the idea of God the Artist slinging paint on the wall and leaving it to be sorted out. I think tat's what he did with humanity, so why not everything else? He supplied the potential and we make what we can of it. At least that's what I think lately. I never can realy know until it's to late to fill out questionnairres. 54. What's the furthest you've been from home? This is a crappy question to end with, so I frt in it's general direction...pffffft! post comment

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